


And Love Has Wings of Razor Blades, And Fear Won't Let You Sleep

by shealynn88



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shealynn88/pseuds/shealynn88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post - S3 Magic Hour Part II.</p><p>Nathan didn't need to be chosen, he just needed to <i>know</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Love Has Wings of Razor Blades, And Fear Won't Let You Sleep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nom/gifts).



Nathan sat frozen in the truck as Jordan walked away. She paused once to glance back at him, and he felt a thrill of something - not quite fear, or hope - as he wondered if she would retrace her steps. 

He wondered if he _wanted_ her to.

Then she lowered her head and walked into the house. The door closed behind her with an echoing finality. 

He looked down, finally, to see that his hands were trembling. He slammed them once against the steering wheel before squeezing them into fists, closing his eyes and swearing under his breath. He couldn't think, couldn't _breathe_ – all he could hear was Jordan's voice playing in his head, over and over.

_She loves you._

There had been more to the breakup than that, but he hadn't been able to hear it past the pounding of his own heart. The guilt and the fear and the hope, all tangled together into something that had become too convoluted to decipher.

He'd given up on Audrey when she'd given up on him. About the time she'd stopped coming out with him after calls; the same time she'd started looking at Duke like he belonged to her. 

It wasn't that Nathan didn't understand – Duke was hard to resist. He was charming, with the edge of an outlaw and moments of unexpected sincerity that could break you. 

_Had_ broken Nathan, once. A long time ago. Long enough to have put it behind him, he knew. But he hadn't. Not when the Troubles had left him with nothing but memories.

Until Audrey, the last touch he'd remembered - every time he'd closed his eyes - had been Duke's. 

It was impossible to be friends with someone after that. Not when all you remembered was the way they used to make you catch your breath, the way it felt when they smiled at you...

Knowing that, if they smiled that way again, even after everything they'd done, you still wouldn't be able to say no.

You can't be friends with a person like that. You have to hate them. It's the only way to survive.

* * *

Nathan almost turned back when he saw that Audrey and Duke were at the bar. Duke was watching her in a way that made Nathan itch, just under the skin. That made him _want_.

But Audrey didn't have much time left, and he needed to talk to her. Even if it turned into nothing, even if she chose Duke, even if it hadn't ever been real, even if she'd just been vulnerable for that single moment. 

He needed to know - 

If she loved him. If he mattered.

Duke saw him first, bared his teeth in something that was half smile, half snarl. “Nathan.”

Audrey turned, and the emotions there moved too quickly for him see if she was glad he was there, or if he'd interrupted something.

A smile won out, and he smiled back. He couldn't not. God, he loved her.

“Can I talk to you?” he asked finally.

She looked at Duke, and then back at Nathan. “Sure,” she said finally, sliding off the bar stool. “Thanks, Duke,” she said, and her smile was full of something that made Nathan's throat tighten, and an ache rise in his chest.

Then she headed for a table and he followed behind, forcing himself not to look back even as he felt Duke's eyes burning against his neck. He wondered if they shared the same ache, he and Duke.

It was poetic, somehow, but it gave him no satisfaction.

“Did you find something?” She asked quietly as they sat down. “Did they find Tommy's body?”

He licked his lips, suddenly reluctant. “Audrey, I—Jordan and I—she told me what you said. When I was...” he trailed off. He still had trouble with the phrase, ' _when I was dead_.'

“What I said?” She looked puzzled for a moment, and then she was suddenly still. “She told you.”

It wasn't a question.

“I...” he didn't know how to explain, suddenly. What to say. “I...with Jordan. I could help her feel. I...I _know_ what that means. Having that. Better than anyone, I know.”

She smiled softly, reassuringly. “It's all right, Nathan. I don't – what I said doesn't change how we _are_. How you are with her. I'm _happy_ for you.”

He looked up at her, wondering if she really believed it. Because from where he was sitting, it changed everything. “We aren't.”

Audrey tipped her head quizzically.

“Jordan and I... we _aren't_. I thought she needed to _touch_ someone, you know? To _feel_ someone. And I wanted to be that for her. But...it's not enough." He almost didn't say the rest. Almost couldn't. But there wasn't enough time left, and he needed her to know. As much as he wanted to know the truth, he _needed_ her to know this. "Not...not when I'm in love with someone else.”

Audrey's finger slid against his and he caught his breath, looking down to see her hand next to his. Not holding, not offered, really. Just there. Close.

He continued talking, watching her hand next to his, forcing himself not to touch her. “I know you and Duke...but I just wanted to say, me too. That's all.” He looked up at her, and she was watching him with shining eyes. “To you it doesn't change anything. But I needed you to know.”

He started to stand, but she grabbed his hand and he sat back down, intoxicated by the feel of her, warm and intense and insistent – just that touch of her hand in his.

He'd been lying to himself. To her. He didn't just want to say it, or hear it. He wanted her. Even if it was a day or an hour, he wanted _her_.

“I love you, Nathan,” she whispered, and her voice was rough, like the words had been torn between her teeth. “That's what I said, and I meant it. I've _always_ loved you. But I love him, too,” she said, glancing over at Duke, “And I don't have _time_. I don't have time to figure this out, and I can't be that thing that makes you hate each other. Not when you're just starting to be friends again. I couldn't bear that.”

He covered their tangled fingers with his other hand, not sure what to say. There was so much between them, suddenly - her love for Duke, for him... The surprising agony of knowing that she wouldn't choose between them.

Duke's voice made them both jump. “Lock up when you're done, huh?”

He tossed the keys to Audrey and she caught them with her free hand as she stood. 

“You don't need to go,” she said softly, and Nathan could hear something under it - an ache whose twin he carried, filling his ribcage and fluttering it's razor wings.

Duke waved her back. “I've got an early day tomorrow. I need to catch up on sleep.”

Nathan almost let him go, but the look on Audrey's face stopped him.

He stood beside her and let go of her hand reluctantly. “Duke.”

“Nathan.” His voice was perfectly even, his face shuttered.

Nathan reached out and Duke edged back, until Nathan took one long stride to grab his wrist, yanking him forward. “ _Stop_ ,” he hissed, angry again without reason. Angry only because it was Duke, and it was easier than anything else Duke ever made him feel.

Duke tried again to pull away, then threw a punch.

Nathan caught it and moved closer, until he could taste the whiskey on Duke's breath as it burst over his mouth. The razor wings in his chest spread wide, reminding him why he'd avoided being this close for so long.

“Audrey wants you here,” he said finally, trying so hard to keep the anger out of his voice that something else was there – something he'd never wanted Duke to hear.

He let go abruptly, no longer caring if Duke stayed. He'd already said too much.

Duke's voice was a little too sharp. “And you? Nathan?”

Nathan looked up, forcing himself not to punch the smug bastard in the face. For Audrey.

But he didn't look smug. He looked cautious. “What do _you_ want?”

Audrey stepped up at that moment, and Nathan felt her hand on his arm. It still startled him, the sensation of her skin on his.

She drew him forward and pulled Duke in as well, and it looked so easy when she did it – they moved like puppets – like planets caught inevitably in her orbit.

Duke's voice was thick. “You stupid, stubborn son-of-a-bitch,” he said, and then his arms were around Nathan, and Nathan was overwhelmed – with the smell of him, the taste of salt that lingered like an aura, the weightlessness of being held by him, the sound of tears and the harshness of breath in Duke's throat, the curve of his ear that was the only thing Nathan could see.

He wasn't quite ready to believe it. He was still waiting for the punchline – the tacks in his back, the talk around town, the laughter when he finally let on that he'd wanted this – exactly this – for longer than he was willing to admit, even to himself.

So he turned his head into Duke's neck and stopped there, letting the smell of salt and whiskey and old burlap sink in so that he would never forget it. Just that. A friendly gesture. An agreement to a truce, nothing more.

He let his hands grip Duke's biceps, forced himself not to hold on too hard, forced himself not to open his mouth to taste Duke's skin.

Nathan felt Audrey's lips burn against his fingers, heard the soft sounds of her mouth as she kissed each of his fingers in turn, and then he heard her against Duke's skin, and jealousy rose and faded as he realized, painfully, that he had everything. In this single moment, everything he'd ever dreamed of wanting. And it broke him. The knowledge of it broke the dam that he'd been building so carefully for so long, and he drew in a breath like he was drowning – a breath that rasped and rattled and threatened to come out a sob.

“I love you,” Audrey whispered against his hand, against Duke's arm, and his fingers bit of their own accord, holding on as if he could hold onto the moment with sheer will.

“Nathan.” It was Duke this time, moving back and then pressing forward, and Nathan was tasting him suddenly, on his lips and tongue and God, it was nothing like that fumbling moment when they were barely twelve and everything had changed between them, and so much more than the fury they'd shared before the Troubles. It was like a storm on the sea, like everything was lost and he was drowning, and he couldn't imagine it any other way – it was always, always meant to be just like this.

Audrey's lips touched his cheek, gently, and he and Duke both reached for her at once – this one thing they could agree on, this one thing that made them whole and brought them close, a force of nature they'd both give their lives for.

He turned into her, buried his face into the junction of throat and shoulder and felt the amazing warmth of her, raw against his face. Everything about it felt right, her hand wound around his neck, the strange knowledge that Duke still held his waist, even though he could only feel the whisper of it.

It didn't matter if it was a day or an hour. 

It was enough. 

It was a lifetime.


End file.
